


Never Enough | College AU | FuckBoy!Shawn

by particulataste



Category: Shawn Mendes (Musician)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, College, F/M, Heartbreak, Heavy Angst, Insecurity, Sad Reader, fuck boy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-14
Updated: 2018-12-14
Packaged: 2019-09-18 07:57:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16991064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/particulataste/pseuds/particulataste
Summary: You fell too hard and too fast, but from your viewpoint, you were sure he felt the same.





	Never Enough | College AU | FuckBoy!Shawn

You’d been talking for a few months now, nearing number four. You both knew each other, had even dated for two years when you were juniors in high school. You had the same friend groups, so when you broke up, it was inevitable you’d both still see each other.

The awkwardness was barely there for a week before you went back to being flirty friends, but your feelings for him never left. It was silly, really. Your first love at fourteen, still your current love at twenty.

You’d both been with other people since, but there was just something about him, something that always made you care that little bit more. You lost contact when he dropped out of highschool for a while, had got involved with the wrong crowd.

Then, four months ago, you bumped into each other again. Kiera, your friend, had thrown a party at her little apartment, insisted you got out of the house and went.

You did, and so did he.

You could recall that night like it was yesterday, despite the fact that you’d drunken enough to drown an entire city. You remember the way he smiled at you as you awoke from your slumber, the way he traced his finger along the curve of your back, how he bit your shoulder playfully.

You could also remember the way your friends came barging through the door, itching to get the gossip about the night before, but were pleasantly shocked to see you in bed with the known fuckboy.

You weren’t one to sleep around, weren’t really one to leave the house unless it was absolutely necessary. Your friends called you a recluse, you called yourself private. Either way, it meant the same thing in their books.

Neither them or you had expected the schools known fuckboy (and your ex, if he could even be considered that when you dated at the age of fourteen) to ask you to get breakfast with him that morning, and deciding you needed a change in your life, you accepted.

That lead you to now, three and a half months later, at yet another party of your friends. During the past three and a half months, you’d gotten to know Shawn on an entirely new level than how you knew him before.

He was kind, funny, and incredibly talented. But with two very busy schedules, the pair of you only managed to meet up twice after your little reunion. Your classes clashed and Shawn had commitments for his music that he couldn’t give up, not that you’d ever ask him to.

So, for those three and a half months, you texted and FaceTimed. The latter came in quite handy when either of you had a hard day and needed to relieve some  _stress_. And if it wasn’t a FaceTime call, it was snapchat pictures sent securely between the two of you.

He was just like you remembered him, sweet and kind. Only now, he was grown; a man. He had muscles and toned abs. He had a little scruff of facial hair and the braces were long gone.

As you weaves through the masses of people cramped in Kiera’s tiny apartment, you grinned at the thought of finally seeing him again. You knew he’d be here, you’d both been talking about it for a whole week; knew you’d both be free to attend.

It wasn’t until your eyes caught sight of a messy head of curls sticking out in the kitchen, that your grin grew. Your friends were long forgotten as you made your way closer to the handsome man you were approaching.

A friend gently hit his torso with the back of their hand, head subtly nodding in your direction and Shawn followed their line of sight. He gulped at the sight of you wandering towards him in a pair of black skinny jeans and a fitted grey sweater.

Knew you wouldn’t bother wearing anything extravagant like the other girls there, knew it wasn’t your style.

He placed his beer on the counter and turned to you with a sheepish grin and open arms. You squealed a little to yourself, sighing as you wrapped your arms around your middle and he held you close to him.

“Hey, honey,” he greeted softly, words muffled by the soft curls of your hair. He gave you a gentle squeeze before pulling away and cupping your cheeks in his giant palms, pressing a sweet kiss to your lips before grinning down at you.

“Made sure to get your favourite drink, it’s in the fridge,” he slightly yelled, voice barely audible over the thumping base of some grime song that Kiera was no doubt playing.

You thanked him with a smile and another kiss, greeting your old friends that were still Shawn’s current ones.

After many drinks and several drunken kisses, the party had slowly began to move to the balcony of Kiera’s apartment, which was, for some reason, bigger that the apartment itself.

The kitchen was much quieter now, only occupied by yourself and Shawn, who had insisted the both of you stayed in the kitchen where it was warm and quite.

You blushed when he suggested it, heart warming at the fact that he just wanted to spend some time alone with you, without the yelling and messy drunks, even though you were halfway there yourself.

Your arms were wrapped around his middle as he leaned back against the kitchen sink. You were grinning up at him with drooping doe-eyes, lashes slowly fluttering as you blinked away your blurry vision.

His own cheeks were slightly blushed as he grinned down at you, teasingly trying to bite your nose and smiling when you giggled at him. His hands were lose around your waist, eyes a little bloodshot and curls a godly mess.

Your lips were swollen from the kisses you both stole throughout the night, your curls knotted due to Shawn being unable to keep his hands to himself when you were pressed right against his chest.

It was love. You were certain. You still felt as giddy as you did when you were fourteen, like you were young and carefree, not a single stress even on the back of your mind.

You felt safe in his arms, loved and protected. He made you feel important, made you feel beautiful. And the way he was looking at you right now, like you were a fucking angel sent from the heavens above, wasn’t helping your situation at all.

It was silly, really… to come to this realisation while drunk out of your head. And with said realisation and said alcohol, your intoxicated brain was too slow to stop your lips from moving as you uttered out those six words you’d been biting back.

“I’m falling in love with you,” you breathed, an ethereal essence of innocence casting over your eyes as you blinked ever so slowly.

Shawn’s brows shot to his hairline, lost beneath the matted curls that had begun to stick to his forehead. He grinned down at you in amusement and scrunched his face up with a smile.

“Awe.”

You froze for a moment.

_Awe?_

You could feel your lungs burning as they begged you to breathe, to snap out of your stupid bloody trance, but you couldn’t. You couldn’t get that stupid word out of your head.

“Aw?” you finally spoke up, a hint of dislike in your tone as your own brows lifted to your hairline. Shawn scrunched his face up again in that stupid little smile.

He shrugged his shoulders. “Yeah, awe,” he repeated, thumbs tapping a beat on your hips. You frowned, tilting your head to the side and you begged your heart to stop beating so fucking fast.

“What do you mean  _awe_? Why are you saying  _awe_?” you asked, shaking your head a little as you tried to wrap your mind around why and how he thought that was an acceptable reply to your declaration of love.

He shrugged again. “It’s cute, you’re cute,” he justified, hand reaching to tuck your hair behind your ear but you dodged his touch and tilted your head the other way.

_What?_

“I just told you I’m falling in love with you, and you think that’s cute?” you asked, tone accusatory as you scrunched your own face up in slight shock horror.

This couldn’t be happening. No, it can’t be.

“Yeah, it’s cute. Why? What’s wrong?” he asked, completely confused and taken back by your sudden change in attitude.

You scoffed to yourself, shaking your head and pursing your lips. “Nothing, I’ve just had to much to drink,” you forced out a giggle, though your heart was breaking on the inside.

“I’m gonna go outside for a little bit, I’ll find you later. Need to catch up with Kiera, anyway,” you didn’t give him time to reply, just walked away and out to the balcony.

Everything was suddenly too much, too hot, too heavy. You felt yourself begin to panic, could feel yourself breaking into a sweat, despite being outside in the cold.

You gripped onto the railings, taking deep breaths and you bit back the tears that threatened to spill. What the hell was “awe” supposed to mean? You were so sure he felt the same.

He was so loving toward you, always telling you how much he cared, always proving it. From sending flowers to your dorm room randomly, to leaving you cheesy voicemails for you to wake up to.

He told you he still cared, that he’d always care. That he so desperately wanted to try again, wanted to be with you now you were both older. He told you everything you wanted to hear.

Maybe he was just nervous, freaked out when you confessed how you felt? Yeah, that sounded right. Shawn never handled things like that very well, especially not when they were sprung on him.

You took a deep breath, closing your eyes as you finally calmed yourself down, avoiding a catastrophic anxiety attack that would end up being the talk of the school for the entire week.

You wandered back inside, peering over the small crowded of people in hopes of finding Shawn again, wanting to enjoy your time with him before you both began too busy again.

When your eyes landed on a familiar redhead, you figured he would have to do as you approached him in the dining room. “Hey, Brian, have you seen Shawn?” you asked, sweater sleeves pulled over your hands as you rubbed your arms.

Brian took a swig of his beer and nodded, pointing back at the front door. “Yeah, he just left. Said it was an emergency,” he shrugged, clearly not knowing much on the topic, but your shoulders slumped nonetheless.

What if you scared him away? What if he freaked out and never speaks to you again. You were quickly thrown into a state of panic once more, breathing heightened as you surveyed the area for a safe place to seclude yourself.

Falling short, you turned back to Brian and sighed. “Well thanks anyway, I’m gonna head out now. I’ll see you around,” you pursed your lips into a thin line, offering a tight smile before walking past him and out the front door.

You didn’t know what to do. Shawn was your ride, was meant to take you back to his place where you’d spend the night, finally. Instead, you’re stranded with no money and no car, forced to walk two and a half miles back to your dorm, back to the campus.

———

You were abruptly awoken much early than planned by a insistent tapping on your shoulder, which quickly turned into pulling until your covers were thrown off you.

You groaned and sat up, eyes open and angry as you glared at the culpit; Kiera. “What the fuck do you want!?” you snapped, head pounding and in no bloody mood to be woken up so sharply.

Kiera suddenly pursed her lips and gave you a pitiful look, but you still saw the anger behind her eyes as she handed you her phone.

You frowned and stared down at the screen, seeing a pair of hands intertwined on a red bed sheet, a little pink heart next to it. The photo had been uploaded to a Snapchat story and you frowned at her.

“You woke me up at seven in the morning to show me a fucking picture of someone holding hands?” you snapped, anger quickly bubbling until she shook her head and pointed back at the screen.

“Look at who posted it, Y/N/N,” so you did, and you really wished you hadn’t. “I thought it was you but I know you don’t get your nails done like that so I freaked out and came right here, I’m sorry, hun.”

You blinked at the screen, eyes watering and you let out the same sigh you’d already done twice before. It was the sigh of disappointment. The sigh that meant that yet again, you’d been screwed over by someone you liked, someone you loved.

You sniffled back a tear and wiped your eyes, checking your phone to see your messages had been left on read. Handing Kiera back her phone, you shoved your feet into your slippers and stalked toward the the bathroom door, slamming it shut and locking it behind you.

You sunk to the floor in a pool of tears, body trembling as you scooped your knees to your chest and gently swayed from side to side.

It was the same old thing, you should be used to it by now. You’re always dumped for someone else, always cheated on for someone else. You were never enough, not for anyone. But with Shawn, you swore it was different.

It was Shawn Mendes. It didn’t matter that he was a fuckboy. He was your friend first, your first love first. You trusted him, you loved him. And all along, you weren’t even a priority to him.

You thought he was different. Thought he meant it when he called you beautiful, when he told you he wanted to be with you. You let yourself be vulnerable with him, confessed your love to him, and he all but laughed in your face.

You felt stupid. Stupid for believing him. Stupid for falling in love with him. Stupid for ever thinking that  _you_ , Y/N Y/L/N, would every be good enough for  _anyone_.

You refused to leave the bathroom, didn’t want to face Kiera and her pitiful smile. You just wanted to go back in time and stop yourself from ever even speaking to him all those months ago at her first party.

You didn’t want to feel so worthless, so unimportant. You just wanted to feel loved, to feel like you were enough. You wanted to feel wanted, like you meant something to someone. You wanted to be their reason to smile, to make them happy.

 _You_  wanted to be happy.

But when two days later, you stroll through the quad, your paths cross and your heart stops. You see him with his arm around her shoulder, smiles on their stupid faces as they walk toward you.

Everything moves slowly, like the Universe is punishing you, forcing you to watch them together for longer. And when Shawn looks straight at you, it’s like you’re not even there, like you don’t even exist.

Not a hint of a smile or an etch of a frown is shown. He looks right through you, shoulder brushing yours as he bumped into you, turning back and throwing a half hearted ‘sorry’ as if you were a stranger.

As if you hadn’t seen all of each other, every single inch. As if you hadn’t comforted him through bad days, hadn’t held him in your arms or stayed on the phone until five in the morning.

As if he never kissed you like you were the most fragile thing on earth. As if he hadn’t touched you so generously, so lovingly. As if he’d never made you feel good.

He walked past you as if you’d never even met, never shared a history, never even held a conversation. As if he never cared, not even a little. As if your feelings meant nothing.

As if  _you_  meant nothing.

And just like that, he was gone. Out sight but still in mind. He wasn’t yours anymore, maybe he never was, but your heart was still his,  _you_  were still his, even if he didn’t want you.


End file.
